As a parent, I often ask myself a simple but very important question:
What do I really want to teach my son?

Do I want to teach him what to think…
or how to think?

At first, the answer seems obvious. Of course, we want to guide our children. We want to show them what is right, what is wrong, what matters in life. But the more I think about it, the more I realize something deeper.

The world he is growing into is not the same as the one I grew up in.
Things change. Opinions change. Even “truths” sometimes change.

So if I only teach him what to think, I am giving him answers for a world that may no longer exist.

But if I teach him how to think…
I am giving him something much stronger.

I am giving him a compass.

From Answers to Questions

It is very easy, especially as a parent, to give quick answers.

“Why is this like that?”
“Because it is.”
“Why should I do this?”
“Because I said so.”

We all do it sometimes. Life is busy. Patience is not always there.

But I have started to notice something. When I slow down and change my answer, everything changes.

Instead of answering directly, I ask him:
“What do you think?”
“How can we find out?”
“What would happen if we tried this?”

Suddenly, he is not just listening—he is thinking.

And that is the moment where learning truly begins.

It’s Okay Not to Know

There was a time when I thought I had to have all the answers as a father.

Now I know—that is not true.

Some of the best moments with my son happen when I say:
“I don’t know… let’s figure it out together.”

This simple sentence does something powerful.

It shows him that not knowing is not weakness.
It is the beginning of curiosity.

It also teaches him something even more important—that even adults are still learning.

And maybe that is the biggest lesson of all…
we never stop.

Seeing More Than One Side

Children are naturally emotional. They feel strongly, react quickly, and believe deeply in what they see.

But thinking is not only about feelings. It is also about perspective.

Sometimes, when my son is very sure about something, I gently ask him:
“Okay… but what do you think the other side would say?”

At first, this is hard for him.
He wants to be right.

But slowly, something changes.

He starts to pause.
To consider.
To see more than just his own point of view.

This doesn’t only make him smarter—it makes him kinder.

Because understanding others begins with the ability to imagine their thoughts.

Mistakes Are Not the Enemy

When a child is told what to think all the time, they often become afraid of being wrong.

They want the “correct” answer.
They don’t want to fail.

But when a child learns how to think, mistakes become part of the journey.

I have seen this with my son.

Sometimes he reaches the wrong conclusion. And my first instinct is to correct him immediately.

But I stop myself.

Instead, I ask:
“Let’s go back… how did you get there?”

We walk through his thinking together.

And in that process, he learns much more than if I had simply said, “That’s wrong.”

Because he understands why.

And that is what stays.

Letting Go of Control

This is probably the hardest part.

Teaching a child how to think means accepting that one day…
they may not think like you.

They may have different opinions.
Different beliefs.
Different choices.

And that can feel uncomfortable.

But I remind myself—this is not failure.

This is the result of what I wanted all along.

A child who can stand on his own.

A child who doesn’t follow blindly.
A child who questions, reflects, and decides.

A child who is free.

The Real Goal

At the end of the day, I am not raising a child who needs to memorize the world.

I am raising a human being who needs to navigate it.

Life will not give him ready-made answers.

But if he knows how to ask questions…
how to think…
how to stay curious and open…

He will find his way.

And maybe one day, he will sit with his own child…
and ask the same question:

“Do I teach what… or how?”

I hope his answer will be the same.

GK

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Published by georgi.kisyov

28 thoughts on “How, Not What”

    1. It really is, There is something both beautiful and frightening about knowing that we help shape the person our child will become. We cannot protect them from everything in the world, especially today, but we can give them something strong inside themselves—kindness, courage, and the ability to think. Sometimes that may be the greatest protection of all.
      GK

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    1. Absolutely, my friend. Sometimes “I don’t know” is the most honest and helpful answer we can give. It turns the moment into something shared instead of something finished. And yes, discovering things together often becomes more meaningful than simply giving the answer.
      GK

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  4. I love this because I always approached a question problem concern gently and if I didn’t have the answer promised I’d find out. I think the unique part about teaching your child to be an dependent thinker is when they inevitably say no… after giving them control letting them sit with a complex or may not even complex problem, they look at you and flat out tell you no… and you applaud because they have options and they understand this. It’s the kneeling down on their level and saying it’s OK to say no, but not in this particular occasion…. that of disbelief and near mutiny is scary and amusing at the same time….

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    1. I love this so much. You are absolutely right—the moment a child learns they can say “no” is both wonderful and terrifying. We want them to think for themselves, but then comes the moment when they actually do! And suddenly we realize that teaching independence also means teaching boundaries, responsibility, and when that freedom meets the reality of life. I smiled at your description of kneeling down and explaining, “It is okay to say no… but not this time.” That balance is not always easy, but it is such an important part of helping them grow. In the end, giving them the confidence to reason, choose, and shape their own future truly is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
      GK

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  5. that look of question when they realize there are limits to that freedom… however in the end, knowing they can reason fattening their own fate, majestic informed decisions regarding and into their future is to me the most precious gift any parent can give. I love how you acknowledge the importance to b staying open staying curious. Live this.

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  7. You are very wise my friend! There’s something quietly powerful in what you’ve shared… not like advice being given, more like wisdom that’s been lived. That shift from control to trust-that’s not an easy place to arrive at as a parent. It takes humility to step back from always being the one with answers and instead walk beside your child as a fellow learner. I especially love the way you described giving him a “compass.” That’s a great image. Answers can expire, but a compass—something internal, something steady—guides no matter how unfamiliar the terrain becomes. It made me think of how real growth isn’t just about knowing more, but about becoming someone who can discern, pause, and seek truth even when it isn’t obvious. I think any parent that allows space for their child to think differently than them one day is showing great courage and perhaps even a little confidence. It shows that the goal isn’t to replicate self, but to raise someone who can stand with conviction and kindness. That kind of parenting doesn’t just shape a mind—it shapes a heart. Turning “I don’t knows” into an invitation that opens the door for connection, curiosity, and shared discovery is actually pretty genius. Those are the moments that tend to stay with a child far longer than any perfect answer ever could. Teaching, at its best, isn’t about filling someone with conclusions, but about helping them learn how to seek, question, and grow. There’s a lot of quiet depth in your words here Georgi – the kind that keeps unfolding the more you sit with it.

    This is without a doubt a 5 star ***** post Georgi!

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    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend. Your words touched me deeply. I think you understood exactly what I was trying to say—that parenting is less about leading from far ahead and more about walking beside our children, even when we do not know the way ourselves. I loved what you said about not trying to replicate ourselves. That is such a beautiful and difficult lesson: to raise a child with enough courage, kindness, and confidence to become fully themselves. If my son remembers not my answers, but the feeling that he was safe to ask, wonder, and think, then I think that will matter far more than anything else. Your kindness and insight always make me see my own words in a deeper way.
      GK

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  8. Always great as usual. Something we all struggle with and it seems to get harder. I tried to keep it simple. I never really said how it had to be unless I found it something could be dangerous and even then I explained the NO. I tried to let them decide to help them learn. Also conversation and what I thought and why but let them look at it and we discuss. Sometimes we make things more complicated than necessary when talking and telling them you love them means everything.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. I think you are so right—we often make it more complicated than it needs to be. Children do not always need long speeches; sometimes they simply need honesty, explanation, and the freedom to think for themselves. I love what you said about explaining the “no” when something is dangerous. That teaches not only limits, but understanding. And through all of it, knowing they are loved is what gives them the confidence to keep learning and growing.
      GK

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  9. I remember when I first started saying to my daughters around ages 8 and 13 years old, “I don’t know.” It wasn’t what they wanted me to say. They either wanted to rebel against me or tell them what to do. “I know” was a defense I used in my difficult childhood to protect me from the dangerous unknown. It was a relief to finally not know everything and then yes, that led to having a discussion about my opinion and my daughters opinions and ideas. I see they are still thoughtful adults today and passing the thoughtful parenting work on to my grandsons as well.

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    1. What a beautiful gift you gave your daughters. I think saying “I don’t know” can be one of the bravest things a parent says, especially when we grew up feeling we had to know everything just to feel safe. You did not only give them answers—you gave them space to think, to speak, and to trust their own ideas. And now, seeing that continue with your grandsons is such a beautiful proof that thoughtful parenting can travel through generations.
      GK

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  13. Live and learn–as parents our job is never done. Yet, one day we must let our child go and hope they’re ready, just as our parents did. The adage of “teaching them how to fish . . .” applies. Thanks for sharing this invaluable lesson.

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    1. So true, my friend. Parenting is really a long journey of teaching, learning, and slowly letting go. We spend years helping them grow, knowing that one day they will have to walk on their own. We cannot live life for them, but we can give them the tools, the confidence, and the “how to fish” kind of wisdom that will help them find their way.
      GK

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  14. “At the end of the day, I am not raising a child who needs to memorize the world. I am raising a human being who needs to navigate it. Life will not give him ready-made answers.”
    Very true. Our children and their children are dealing with things at warp speed and they have to know the how to navigate with more of the crazy than makes sense stuff. And not lose their minds or voice or ability to think in the process! ~ Rosie

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    1. Rosie, you said it perfectly. The world is moving so fast, and there is so much noise, pressure, and confusion around them. We cannot prepare them for every situation, but we can help them keep something steady inside themselves—the ability to think, question, stay grounded, and not lose their own voice in the middle of it all. That may be one of the most important things we can give them.
      GK

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  15. I really appreciate the way your son is growing up learning to figure things out for himself. There’s such a quiet strength in teaching a child how to think instead of handing them ready‑made answers. It echoes so much of what I write about—trusting your own inner compass, staying curious, and learning from the inside out. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. I hope your son’s wrist is fully healed btw. Peace to you.

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    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend. Your words mean a lot to me because they reflect exactly what I hope to give him—an inner compass, not just instructions. I want him to grow up trusting his own mind, staying curious, and learning that the answers that matter most are often found by looking within. And thank you for asking about his wrist—it is doing much better now, and I am very grateful for that. Peace to you too.
      GK

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