There is a book on my computer that you will probably never hold in your hands.

It has a title.

It has a structure.

It has essays I love.

For months, I imagined what it would feel like to finally put them all together, create the cover, hold the first printed copy in my hands and add another book to the small collection of books I have written.

The title was The Echoes of the Five Seasons.

And I have decided not to publish it.

That might sound strange. After all, writers usually talk about the books they are going to publish, not the ones they have decided to keep off the bookshelf.

But sometimes deciding not to publish a book can teach you just as much as publishing one.

The idea I loved

The idea for The Echoes of the Five Seasons came from something I had already been doing for a long time: writing about the seasons.

I have always been fascinated by the way the world changes throughout the year. Not only the temperature or the colors outside, but the way each season seems to carry its own personality, memories and emotions.

Spring brings beginnings.

Summer stretches the days and makes us notice the small pleasures we sometimes forget.

Autumn reminds us that change can be beautiful.

Winter slows the world down.

And then there is my fifth season.

Christmas.

I know Christmas is not technically a season, but in my world it has always felt like one. It has its own colors, sounds, smells, traditions, memories and kind of magic. It changes the atmosphere around us in a way no ordinary date on the calendar can explain.

So I imagined a book built around five seasons:

Spring. Summer. Autumn. Winter. Christmas.

I already had many seasonal pieces I had written over the years. Some had appeared on my Facebook page. Some had been published on my blog. I began gathering my favorites and arranging them into sections.

Then I started writing new ones.

I didn’t want the book to contain only things people had already read. I wanted to give each season something new. I wanted more beautiful images, stronger ideas and different ways of looking at the ordinary things that surround us.

Little by little, the manuscript grew.

There were enough essays.

There were enough pages.

There was a title I loved.

Technically, I had a book.

But something was missing.

A collection is not always a book

This was difficult for me to admit because I genuinely love many of the pieces inside The Echoes of the Five Seasons.

That hasn’t changed.

I didn’t suddenly decide that the writing wasn’t good enough.

The problem was different.

When I looked at everything together, I didn’t feel that I was looking at one complete story.

I felt that I was looking at a collection of seasonal writing.

Beautiful pieces, perhaps. Meaningful pieces. Pieces that I was proud to have written.

But still, a collection.

And somewhere during this process, I realized that this is no longer enough for me.

When I publish a book, I want to feel that everything inside it belongs there. I want the first page and the last page to be connected by something more than a common subject. I want the reader to close the book feeling that they have traveled somewhere with me.

I had enough pages for a book.

I just didn’t feel that I had a complete book.

And once I admitted that to myself, I couldn’t ignore it.

Then another thought bothered me

There was something else.

The seasons don’t stop because I have finished a manuscript.

Another autumn will come.

Another winter.

Another spring.

And I will keep writing.

What happens if next autumn I write something completely different from everything I have written about autumn before?

What if it is deeper?

What if it is more beautiful?

What if I read it afterward and immediately think:

This should have been in the book.

Then winter will arrive, and perhaps it will happen again.

The truth is that I hope it does.

I hope the things I write next year are better than the things I write today. I hope five years from now I can look back and see how much my writing has changed.

That is what growth is supposed to look like.

But it also made me realize something about this particular book.

I was trying to put an ending around something that, for me, hasn’t ended.

I am still watching the seasons.

I am still learning from them.

And I am still finding new words for them.

Sometimes you simply don’t feel it

There is a strange moment that happens when you are creating something.

Nobody else can really see it.

Everything may look ready from the outside. The pages are there. The structure is there. You have already spent the time. You may even have told people about it.

Logic tells you to finish.

But something inside you says:

Not this one.

I have learned to listen to that feeling.

Publishing a book is not only about having enough words to fill the pages.

You have to feel it.

You have to reach that final page and know that this is the book you wanted to create.

I didn’t have that feeling with The Echoes of the Five Seasons.

For a while, that disappointed me.

I had spent so much time thinking about it, organizing it and imagining the finished book. Part of me probably wanted to continue simply because I had already come so far.

But “I have already done so much work” is not a good enough reason to publish something.

Neither is “I told people I was going to do it.”

And neither is “I could.”

Sometimes the better creative decision is to stop.

But the words are not disappearing

This is probably my favorite part of the story.

I am not throwing the essays away.

Quite the opposite.

I decided to give them another home.

My blog.

If you have been reading it recently, you may have already noticed some of my summer essays appearing there.

That will continue.

When autumn arrives, I have autumn pieces waiting for you, including newer ones that many of you haven’t read before.

When winter covers the world again, the winter essays will have their moment.

Spring will come after that.

And, of course, when the lights begin appearing in the windows and December brings that familiar feeling back, Christmas will have its place too.

Perhaps this is where these stories were supposed to live all along.

A summer story read on a warm evening.

An autumn reflection while leaves are falling outside.

A winter piece on a cold morning.

A spring essay when the world is becoming green again.

A Christmas story when that fifth season finally arrives.

Instead of asking readers to travel through all five seasons in one book, I can meet them in each season as it comes.

I like that thought.

Not every finished thing needs to become something else

We often believe that once we begin something, we owe it an ending.

If we have invested enough time, we should finish it.

If we have told people about it, we should deliver it.

If we have come this far, turning around somehow feels like failure.

I don’t believe that anymore.

Sometimes the work has already given us what it was supposed to give us.

The Echoes of the Five Seasons helped me revisit old writing. It made me create new pieces. It made me think more seriously about what I want from my books.

Most importantly, it taught me that I don’t want to publish something simply because I can.

I want to publish it because I believe it is complete.

Maybe one day I will return to the idea of a book about the seasons.

Maybe by then I will see a completely different way of writing it. Perhaps there will be a story connecting everything from the first signs of spring to the lights of Christmas.

Or perhaps this book will never exist.

And I am surprisingly comfortable with that.

Because I haven’t stopped writing.

I have simply stopped trying to make these particular words become something they don’t need to be.

Sometimes a manuscript becomes a book.

Sometimes it becomes a lesson.

And sometimes its pages find their way into the world one season at a time.

The Echoes of the Five Seasons will not be sitting on my bookshelf.

But its echoes will still be here.

Spring.

Summer.

Autumn.

Winter.

Christmas.

One season at a time.

GK

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Published by georgi.kisyov

29 thoughts on “The Book I Decided Not to Publish”

    1. Thank you so much! I love the way you described it as a “silver thread.” Maybe someday I will find that thread and realize these stories were simply waiting for me to discover how they truly belong together.
      GK

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  2. One friend wish I’ll be a book author, but I can only see myself a blog author now. I’m even thinking how can I get big storage coz I love embedding photos always. I would say keep writing, GK, at least here if it isn’t for a book. But if you ever change your mind, it’s still good. We’ll never know it reach a wide readership.

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    1. Thank you so much! And being a blog author is something to be proud of too—our words don’t need to be inside a book to reach someone. I’ll definitely keep writing here, and as you said, we never know where those words may eventually lead us.
      GK

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  3. Ecclesiastes tells us, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Perhaps creative work has its seasons too—some words become books, some become stepping stones, and others are simply meant to meet us at exactly the right moment.

    I especially like the thought of reading these pieces as the seasons themselves arrive. There is something different about reading autumn words while leaves are actually falling or a winter reflection when the world outside the window has gone quiet. Perhaps these essays haven’t lost their home at all; they’ve simply found a different one.

    And I sincerely hope you continue watching, noticing, and writing about many, many seasons to come, Georgi, because I thoroughly enjoy reading your words. You have a lovely way of noticing the ordinary things most of us walk right past and giving us reason to stop, look again, and appreciate them a little more.

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    1. Thank you so much for this beautiful reflection. I especially love your thought that creative work has its seasons too, and perhaps you are right—the essays haven’t lost their home; they have simply found the place and the moment where they belong. And thank you for those incredibly kind words about my writing; knowing that something I notice makes another person stop and look again is one of the greatest compliments I could receive.
      GK

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    1. Thank you so much! I love your image of the five seasons as beads of a necklace. Perhaps the individual beads are already there, and one day I’ll find the right thread to bring them together in a way that feels complete.
      GK

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  6. “The Echoes of Five Seasons” – Whatever you decide, it will always be yours. But here is hoping, someday it hits the bookstands. The world is bound together by seasons and how beautiful to have a book regarding them.

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    1. Thank you so much! I still love the idea behind the book, and perhaps someday I’ll find the missing connection that makes it feel truly complete. Until then, the seasons will keep giving me new things to write about—and who knows where those words may eventually lead.
      GK

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  7. I relate to this so well. I have thousands of essays that I will probably never publish. And like you I’m okay with that. They themselves (the essays) are seasons like you described here. And they were each purposeful. Well articulated. I didn’t know I was looking at it much the same way until I read your words. Have a nice day, Vachon

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    1. Thank you, Vachon! I really love your thought that the essays themselves are seasons—each had its own time and purpose, whether it is ever published or not. Sometimes writing gives us exactly what we needed simply by being written.
      GK

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  8. Have you read my mind?

    Since 2017 I have been sporadically working on my memoir – the focus of which was on having been adopted as an infant, growing up with that knowledge, having my son and wanting to know more about my genetic heritage – that meant finding my birth family, etc. I have that part done but it doesn’t (as you described it) FEEL right. Plus, originally I was writing it for my son, David, to share his history and to provide it for his children.

    Then, David died. His wife and kids cut me out of their lives. I became very depressed for over two years. I’m feeling better now but can’t decide what, if anything, I want to do wth it. It will definitely require a LOT of editing. Perhaps, like you, I’ll decide not to publish it at all. I feel like you gave me permission for that to be a legitimate optiion. Thanks!

    Ceci Snow imagesbyceci@gmail.com

    Website: http://www.imagesbyceci.com

    Please Note: Any email containing my photographs may be forwarded, in its entirety, with credit given to Ceci Flanagan-Snow and/or Images by Ceci. However, copying, downloading or using any photograph in any manner without written permission from the photographer is prohibited and a copyright violation. Thank you for respecting my copyright.

    >

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    1. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal with me. I can only imagine how differently those pages must feel now, after everything that has happened. Whatever you eventually decide—publish it, reshape it, keep it just for yourself, or simply leave it unfinished—I truly believe they have already served a purpose because they hold part of your story. There is no rule saying that every manuscript must become a book, and I’m very touched that my words helped you see that choosing not to publish is a legitimate choice too.
      GK

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  9. Well, I have really enjoyed your summery thoughts and look forward to the other four seasons!

    I too publish my memories and seasonal reflections on my blog. Sometimes I think I should put this together into a book, but then I think why? I like the immediacy of thought to blog to reader. I enjoyed writing a few Christmassy thoughts in December, a New Year thought in January and Easter thoughts at Easter.

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    1. Thank you! I love your phrase “thought to blog to reader”—that immediacy is exactly what I’m beginning to appreciate more too. There is something special about sharing a seasonal reflection while we are actually living that season, and I’m looking forward to doing exactly that with the other four.
      GK

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  10. Hello GK – love your way of bringing the simple things to life in words. Regarding this quote from today’s post…“Maybe by then I will see a completely different way of writing it. Perhaps there will be a story connecting everything from the first signs of spring to the lights of Christmas.” If I may say, You and your life are the story that connects to each and every word for each season from where I am sitting. Your perspective, the events and traditions in each season you write about and how you experience each season visually and descriptively. You help bring new life to the things many people just let pass or hardly notice. Book or no book only you know the right thing to do. I appreciate you and your willingness to share your gift with all of us. Peace to you and your family.

    MC

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    1. Thank you so much, MC. Your thought that perhaps my own life and perspective are already the thread connecting the seasons has genuinely given me something to think about. And your words about noticing the things others might simply pass by mean more to me than you know—thank you for continuing to read and appreciate what I share.
      GK

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  11. I completely respect your decision not to publish, some things just don’t need to be taken to the next level. However, I think you really have a gift. You have a way with words that’s inherently beautiful and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. I think that if you decided to try to reach a wider audience, there would be many people out there who would adore it. If you feel like you don’t have a coherent theme for your collection, I would recommend ditching the Christmas section and just publishing the book with the four seasons. You could even pair up with a good photographer and make separate coffee table books for every seasonal topic. I think it would be beautiful. Either way though I am glad to have come across your work!

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    1. Thank you so much for such thoughtful and encouraging words! I really appreciate your ideas too—the thought of pairing seasonal writing with photography is a beautiful one, especially because photography is another part of my creative life. For now, I’m happy to let these pieces live on the blog, but I’ve learned never to say never when it comes to where an idea might lead.
      GK

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  13. I hate to admit that I understand completely what your saying. Ive got stories tucked away in other places that havent seen the light if day.

    As writers we are a picky bunch atent qe? Perfectionistic about our work.

    I also understand when that simple piece is missing, that indefineable something that creates the whole.

    What about creating two different copies? The Forever Present Five Seasons (which is spectacular as a title) And The Upgrade Ever Changing And Growing Five Seasons). You know me, Two cents, lol or senseless.

    Your writing is beyond beautiful, exquisite, and every piece you’ve written is worthy of center stage, spotlight focused, camera zoomed in. When and if it feels right, you’ll be ready.

    I for one am completely enamored with your writing. It all deserves attention whether in one book covering pages of blogs, fb as long as your audience gets to read them because your work IS valuable. Big 🫂

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    1. Thank you so much for this, my friend. You always manage to make me smile with your “two cents,” and I actually love the idea of the ever-changing Five Seasons—because perhaps that is exactly my problem: the seasons keep changing, and so does the writer watching them. For now, I think these pieces have found the right home on the blog, but your incredible words about my writing mean more to me than I can say.
      GK

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