Today is the first day of school.

I have written sentences like this many times before, but somehow this one feels different.

Today my son starts seventh grade.

Seventh grade.

I keep looking at those words and wondering how we got here so quickly. It feels like yesterday when the first day of school was a much bigger adventure, when everything was new and we were all trying to understand this new chapter of our lives.

And now… seventh grade.

Time really doesn’t ask for our permission before it moves forward.

Every year, the night before school starts brings mixed feelings for me. There is excitement about the new beginning, curiosity about the year ahead, and that little sadness every parent probably knows when another summer becomes a memory.

But there is something else I feel too.

And for some reason, that feeling often comes with guilt.

I am a little happy that school is starting again.

There. I said it.

Two years ago, I wrote about this same feeling. I wondered why parents sometimes feel guilty for being relieved when summer vacation ends. We love our children, we love spending time with them, and yet when school starts again, many of us quietly welcome those few hours that suddenly belong to us.

Two years later, I still understand that feeling.

Maybe even better.

Summer changes the rhythm of our home. For weeks, there is no school schedule controlling our days. My son is around much more. We spend time together. We talk. We go places. Sometimes we do things together, and sometimes we simply do our own things while sharing the same space.

You become used to someone’s presence without even thinking about it.

Today, that rhythm will change again.

After he leaves for school, the house will become quieter.

I know this because I have experienced it every September.

At first, the quiet always feels a little strange. After weeks of summer, suddenly there are several hours when nobody needs anything from me. There are no plans to make together. No questions coming from another room. No school-age summer schedule to think about.

Just time.

My time.

And yes, I am looking forward to it.

That is the part that sometimes makes me feel guilty.

Should a father really be happy about having those hours back?

For many years, being a stay-at-home dad has been a huge part of my life. So much of my daily routine has been built around my son and our family. And I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.

But somewhere along the way, I think parents can forget something very simple.

We are parents, but we are also people.

I am Dad, but I am also Georgi.

I love being there for my son. But I also love writing. I love photography. I love sitting with an idea long enough to see where it takes me. I love having time to think. Sometimes I even love doing absolutely nothing for a while.

During the school year, I get some of that time back.

And maybe I don’t need to feel guilty about enjoying it.

Being happy to have time for myself doesn’t mean I am happy to be away from my son. Those are two very different things.

Perhaps that is what I understand better now than I did when I wrote about this two years ago.

Parents don’t stop being individuals when they become parents.

We still need our own interests, our own dreams, our own quiet moments. We need things that belong only to us. Not because we love our families less, but because our lives are made of more than one role.

Later this morning, a new school year will begin.

I know the house will feel different after my seventh grader heads off to school. I know I will notice the quiet.

And I also know that I will probably enjoy it.

I will make my coffee. I will sit down. Maybe I will write. Maybe I will think about my next photography idea. Maybe I will simply enjoy not having a plan for a little while.

And this year, I am going to try not to feel guilty about that.

Because a few hours later, I will look at the time and know that another familiar part of our school routine is waiting for me.

I will leave the house and walk to the nearby park.

I will wait there for the school bus.

And when it arrives, another ordinary school day will continue—one of hundreds that will probably pass much faster than I want them to.

Maybe that is why I want to appreciate both parts of the day.

The hours that belong to him.

The hours that belong to me.

And the hours that belong to us.

Today, he goes back to school.

And in some small way, I go back to me.

This time, I don’t think I need to feel guilty about it.

GK

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Published by georgi.kisyov

25 thoughts on “Back-to-School and Back-to-Me”

  1. Ah, this has a lovely September feel to it. I don’t think we need to feel guilty as parents for having time to ourselves, just as our children do not need to feel guilty for being away from us and enjoying it.

    September always feels like a new start to me.

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    1. I love the way you turned this around! We certainly wouldn’t want our children to feel guilty for enjoying their time away from us, so perhaps we shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying our own time either. And I completely agree about September—there’s something about it that always feels like a fresh beginning and a chance to find a new rhythm.
      GK

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  5. My face held an ironic smirk as I read your reflection today. It wasn’t in disagreement but complete understanding. Before I became a single mom, I felt much the same. Relieved and excited at having my me time back because when my kids were on summer vacation, their time became my time. Mostly. Until friends popped by and they ran off to play outside or stay over at a friend’s. We spent inordinate amounts of time every day playing card games with their friends our friends, mutual friends. We watched movies and spent huge blocks of time playing games on line. Most of which I wrote in d.o s.

    That changed when I began working full time, and even on occasion 21 hour days. Then I missed them horrifically, ships passing in the night. I worked one floor down from where we lived so I was free to ck on them constantly which was an immense relief. They were older by then and i had no trust issues because we were open with each other.

    A schedule worked out so I wasn’t working such long hours and life settled back into a more ‘normal’ routine. I forced it though it could mean a loss of my job, but when my daughter frustratedly said we never see you any more, it was time for a massive change.

    The pendulum had swung to and fro. I still remember the guilt that ate at me day and night. Was i doing enough giving enough paying close enough attention.

    T he guilt that lingered though was that guilty pleasure id felt at having my own time back to write and like you do my photography, and loose myself in a variety of endeavors.

    It took forever to forgive myself for living life, my life. That wouldn’t happen for years to come. Im pleased proud and happy you made the transition earlier, understood the need to put your self first, let go of the guilt and enjoy the moment. Because truly, guilt can taint the good times, take some of the shine off the now. Absolutely ❤️ this for you and your entire family. A bonus in disguise. Big 🫂.

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    1. Your story really shows how that pendulum can swing from wishing for a little time of our own to suddenly realizing there isn’t nearly enough time together. I can only imagine how difficult those long working days must have been, especially when your daughter told you she hardly saw you anymore. I admire that you listened and made a change, even when it came with a risk.
      And what you said about taking years to forgive yourself simply for living your own life really stayed with me. Perhaps that is the lesson I’m slowly learning now—that being a parent doesn’t require us to stop being the people we are. Writing, photography, creativity, quiet time… those things are not taking something away from our children. They are part of us too.
      I love your words that guilt can “take some of the shine off the now.” That is exactly what I don’t want to let it do anymore. Thank you for understanding this reflection so deeply and for sharing your own journey with me.
      GK

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      1. Thank you floral opening a door that allows light to shine on a very significant moment…if realization offering compassion and to done extent relief.

        I love how you bring unexpected moments to life, all of which have deeper meaning than just surface thoughts. You open possibilities to readers to search their heart mind soul claim what is. It’s truth abd honesty. Meaningful too.

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    1. Then you understand this feeling especially well! And how wonderful that our sons are both starting 7th grade this year. I think that’s part of watching them grow—giving them the space to have their own experiences, friendships, and little world outside home, while we rediscover our own rhythm too. Wishing your son a wonderful 7th grade year!
      GK

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  7. I think there is something healthy in a child gradually needing us less while we slowly rediscover parts of ourselves that parenting may have pushed to the edges for a while. The irony, of course, is that just when you get comfortable with the quiet, the bus comes back and somebody walks through the door needing food. But I like your distinction between the hours that belong to him, to you, and to both of you. Loving someone well doesn’t require disappearing into their life; sometimes giving each other room to grow is part of the loving.

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    1. Thank you so much! I really love that last thought—giving each other room to grow can be part of loving each other too. And you made me laugh about finally getting comfortable with the quiet just as the bus comes back and somebody needs food! That is exactly how it works. Perhaps that’s what makes this rhythm so special: his time, my time, and then our time together again.
      GK

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  9. I remember those days – and the combination of both relief (time for myself) and guilt (time for myself). Reading your essay tells me that you’ve got a balance happening – and that’s a good thing. The later school years (and gradual distancing between our children and ourselves) is a slow weaning process so we’re not shocked when they actually move out into the world to build their own lives while we sit and watch.

    Ceci Snow imagesbyceci@gmail.com

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    1. Thank you so much! I really like the way you describe it as a slow process that prepares both parent and child for what comes later. Each school year gives them a little more independence while teaching us to make room for our own lives again too. I’m not quite ready to think about the day he moves out yet! For now, I’ll happily take seventh grade one day at a time and enjoy this balance while it lasts.
      GK

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  11. The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn as a single mom is that you really can’t fill from an empty tank. I thought it was selfish to do anything for myself. But in order to be the mom they deserve and need, I need to take care of me, too. My permission slip came by whispering to myself, “kids learn by imitation, not words” before I’d buy myself a book or take the lunch with a friend. My girls would modely behavior and framing it like that helped because, as their mother, I obviously envisioned them buying their overpriced Starbucks drink, going to the gym even though it meant an hour away from their kids, et.

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    1. I really love the idea of giving yourself that “permission slip.” And what you told yourself is so true—our children learn so much from watching how we live, not only from what we tell them. If we want them to grow up knowing that it’s okay to rest, enjoy a book, meet a friend, or simply take care of themselves, then perhaps they need to see us doing those things too. That gives me a completely different way to look at my own guilt. Taking time for ourselves isn’t only something we need—it can also be something healthy we quietly teach our children. Thank you for sharing this with me.
      GK

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